Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Breaking Toxic Relationships

Can you be trauma bonded to someone who isn't a narcissist? My ex doesn't fit the criteria for NPD, but I still feel powerless to let him go. There is a push/pull dynamic that makes the relationship toxic.

The Reality of Trauma Bonding

Yes, you can be trauma bonded to someone who isn't a narcissist. Trauma bonding is a real and complex emotional attachment that can develop from a pattern of familiar behaviors like love bombing, gaslighting, devaluation, silent treatment, and repeat. Despite the absence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the push/pull dynamic can still lead to a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship.

Defining Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding can be compared to Stockholm syndrome. In this dynamic, a victim identifies with and empathizes with their captor or abuser. This emotional attachment arises from the cycle of abuse where periods of affection alternate with violence, instilling both fear and a sense of dependence. The victim belief that their abuser is the only person who can provide emotional security can lead to a powerful and unhealthy bond.

Identifying the Triggers

One of my N-friends was not empathetic or reciprocal in validating my feelings. This behavior, while not meeting the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), still created a trauma bond. In healthy relationships or friendships, there is communication that leads to mutual understanding and agreement. Trauma bonding can become a vicious cycle where the person feels intense fear of abandonment or instability.

Codependency: The Underlying Issue

Trauma bonding is often linked to codependency, a dynamic characterized by an imbalanced relationship where one person enables the other's self-destructive tendencies. This can include addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. People who exhibit codependency often have low self-esteem and a focus on the other's needs, often suppressing their own emotions and attempts to control or fix the other's problems.

The Roots of Codependency: Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma is a powerful catalyst for codependency. Neglect, abuse, domestic violence, or other traumatic experiences can make a child feel helpless, hopeless, and disrupt their sense of safety and security. These experiences can lead to a cycle of emotional dependency later in life. Transforming the underlying trauma is crucial to breaking the codependent cycle.

Deep Healing and Transformation

Deep transformation healing involves accessing and addressing the unconscious, subconscious, and cellular levels of trauma. Effective transformation eliminates the need for traditional coping mechanisms, psychotropic drugs, or artificial interventions. It is a holistic process that empowers the individual to regain control and live a fulfilling life.

Real Stories and Practical Advice

Through my experience, I've learned that even after discarding a narcissistic friend, the emotional bond can persist. This trajectory often involves ongoing struggle and the recognition of the trauma bond. By understanding the dynamics of trauma bonding and codependency, you can take steps to heal and move forward.

Resources and Further Reading

Discover more through these resources:

A Guide to Prevention and Healing by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer Ph.D. (Link) Journal articles on codependency and emotional dependency (Link) Books by Hans TenDam on deep transformation healing (Link)

Remember, deep healing is within your reach. By addressing the root causes of your emotional attachment and transitioning to healthier behavior, you can create a future filled with happiness and fulfillment.